Behind the Bullshit
by ayebydan
Summary: Chuck is gay and while his father still loves him, Chuck knows he struggles with it. He ends up pulling away from his own emotions and struggling to cope until Raleigh Becket shows up and Chuck finds his first proper friend in years.


cross posted from ao3

Chuck realises he is gay and before he can work out how to tell his father the drift has ripped it out of him and done it anyway. His father still loves him but it is hard to take the knowledge that Herc still thinks it a bit weird and not quite right. Thoughts filter across his father's mind about his grandfather and the things he might have had to say about it. If Chuck didn't speak to his father much before he certainly doesn't after they start drifting. Most people think it is because they are so close in the drift that they don't need words but the truth is they have never been so far apart. He grows up feeling isolated and alone. Gay jokes circle the training sessions so he tells no one and demolishes everyone. He wants to be the biggest, strongest and best. Every comment hurts even if not directed at him so every bruise feels like satisfaction and revenge. Sometimes he wonders if they would stop talking that way if they knew and promptly decides it doesn't matter. They would still be arseholes.

Instead of a boyfriend he gets a dog and decides that will do him just fine. He is Chuck Hansen and he doesn't need anyone. Technically he can't have anyone because he is stuck on a military base full of homophobic bastards but he doesn't _need_ anyone. It doesn't stop people noticing that the other guy's have Playboy calendars on their walls or pictures of girlfriends while he has a blueprint plan of Striker Eureka. Sometimes he thinks that his father would rather he was alone and content rather than in a relationship than happy. Then no one would have to _know_. The day after he has those thoughts the alarm goes and they are fresh in his mind as they enter the drift. His father says nothing but carries a haunted conflicted look on his face for several days afterwards.

Newt figures it out and tries to talk to him about it. He comes out with a list of websites and offers to help with a grin that makes Chuck want to punch him in the face. Instead he denies everything and tells Newt that he is an annoying little prick. To be fair it is true but he knows he shouldn't have said it. At least Newt was good about it and he keeps his mouth shut with is something Chuck didn't expect.

He stops jerking off because he thinks of men, obviously, and doesn't want his father to see. He doesn't want to drive another wedge between them and feels bad enough as it is. Anger boils under the surface all the time because he is meant to be living his dream but it is slowly turning into a nightmare. He is trapped in base after base waiting for it all to explode around him as their meals get worse and worse and then they are told the programme is being scrapped. He punches a locker hard enough to break three of his knuckles and Max whines as he licks at them over the bandages. Chuck maybe thinks that hurts more than the punch. They call him cocky and arrogant and yeah he is damn sure of himself when it becomes to being a pilot because that is _all_ he has. He doesn't know how to do anything else anymore. He puts so much into denying who he is and holding it all back from the drift that Jager is all he knows.

Raleigh Becket turns up and at first Chuck seethes with rage. He had been the pilot Chuck wanted to fucking _be_ as a kid and his brother Yancy was the crush that made Chuck realise he is gay. Turns out Raleigh Becket is a real fucking disappointment. His jumper hangs off him and okay he is strong and he can go in the ring but Chuck can't help but remember what he used to be and feel he has let himself and the rest of them down. It doesn't help that it takes Raleigh all of five minutes to work out Chuck is gay. Again he denies it and throws every insult he can think of at the older man who just stands there and takes it with a haunted yet knowing look on his face. Arsehole. Chuck's emotions continue to boil and when presented with another opportunity he ends up punching Raleigh in the face, re-injuring his knuckles in the process, getting a public telling off from his dad and feeling like a right dick.

Then Raleigh saves his life. He had wanted to tell Raleigh he was wrong, that he isn't washed up, and that he trusts him at his back but everyone had crowded around the Gipsy Danger crew and he had not been able to get near them. In the end his best was an approving smile before getting out of his gear and heading back to Max. The dog whines at him and Chuck hauls him up onto his bunk and rolls him over to rub his belly. At least he can rely on Max. There were plenty of times that Chuck had stared death in the eyes but he had a working Jaeger then and knew he would go down fighting, like a proper soldier should.

Hearing the slow whir as Striker Eureka went offline, leaving them a rather large sitting duck, was one of the most terrifying experiences of his life. He hadn't felt that fear since the first attack as a kid. He ends up at Raleigh's door with a couple of beers and an apology that earns him his first proper friend in a long time. For a moment he thinks his father will see it all in the drift and then he remembers the Plan and how they could all be dead in a week anyway. He might as well die fucking honest and Raleigh had half it worked out anyway. Ok, so he choked on his beer when Chuck confessed Yancy was his first crush but that isn't Chuck's fucking fault.

It is easy with Raleigh because he isn't competing with him. The other teams keep kill scores and laugh at the homophobic jokes thrown around but not Raleigh. He demands to know what the fuck is wrong with them all when he hears the jokes and Chuck honestly doesn't think it is just because of him. Raleigh just generally seems to be a good person. Chuck can't even say he is a coward any more. A few more inches and he would have lost his dad mid drift and when he is actually confronted with the idea, getting back into a Jaeger with someone else would be fucking weird. As for the kills, it just doesn't seem to register with Raleigh anymore. He is jaded. Chuck just understands that now. Sure, Raleigh has Mako but Chuck turns out to be a decent friend if given a chance and listens to more than a few stories Raleigh needs to get out that turn his stomach.

Raleigh tells him he should talk to his dad before the final mission and Chuck tells him to fuck off but there is no feeling behind it, no power. He would if he knew how, maybe, but he doesn't. It turns out he doesn't have to because Herc has the words and the hug that crushes them together and no doubt hurts the older man's arm a hell of a lot. ' _I'm proud of you. I love you. I always will. It doesn't matter. I just want you to come home, be happy. I love you, I love you, I love you_ ', and that is what fills Chuck's eyes with tears, because he needed that years ago. But he still needs it _now_. He grabs his father for another embrace.

 _You're an egotistical jerk with daddy issues, a simple puzzle I solved on day one._

That might have stung a little. He thought at least Pentecost would get it. Chuck tried his best to be the best because that is exactly what Pentecost wanted from him. The words buzz around his head as they climb into Striker Eureka. It is better to think about that than his father's face and Max's whines. Getting a bit pissed off makes it easier to hold back the tears in his eyes. Sometimes he thought he was invincible and sometimes he thought death was inevitable but this was never a scenario he entertained. It is an honour to pilot Striker Eureka with the Marshall but Chuck's partner is his father. Something about it all, something big, feels wrong.

They can throw all the reassurances at him that they want but Chuck knows this is a one way trip. This is the end, the vengeance for every flattened city and exclusion zone across the world. Maybe he wants to regret for a second. He has never kissed a guy never mind anything more and he probably should have said goodbye to Mako properly. They grew up together after all, dragged from one base to the next, fighting for any spare time their father's had to offer them. He is going to be remembered as a hero if this works but that is about all. He is a good soldier but there isn't much else to write about him. There are no hobbies, no funny stories, and not many friends to interview after the dust settles. But fuck that. Chuck made his choices.

The drift settles and Stacker sends him a look. Chuck smiles. Maybe he is more complex than he gets credit for.


End file.
